The little I know of Grief

 The thing about grief is no one is allowed to tell anyone else how to handle it. Some it is a storm where the water keeps coming and nothing can stop it. Some are numb, and others are angry. They say there are stages of grief. But I think we all handle it a bit differently. I know I certainly skipped steps, and I always feel like I have to be strong in front of my kids. They see me get teary eyed and that's about it. They see my anger and frustration at when I lose an animal I have been working hard to make better. But never the ugly sobs where I completely loose it with the frustration of it all.

The silly thing to me is I am talking about grief over animals. I Haven't lost anyone close to me since my grandma passed when I was 13 and I am so lucky for that! Fortunate and blessed beyond belief.

I cried to god when I lost my Holly. (My dog that I had had since 2012), and now I know it was because I no longer needed her. Her time with me was up. God sent her to me to heal from the miscarriage I had before Sawyer was born. I am a big believer most dogs are workers for God and her work was done. I think about her almost daily and she is always with me.

I lost my Diamond this summer you guys. My main girl. My lovey dovey peanut butter loving best cow ever.
I am going to talk to you like you are right here with me. I cried like someone ripped my heart out. I cried like I had lost one of my children. I had tied her up to eat grass in the ditch for the afternoon. She got tangled up and laid up hill. It is deadly for a cow to lay that way long. It was my fault. It was 100 an accident because I didn't mean for it to happen. But it still did, and I can't take it back. I broke that day. Had I not tied the knot so tight, or left her in the pasture? I will always wish I could do it over and that I could have been there sooner. My sweet girl. I still can't figure out why she isn't still here with me. I am still not ok. I still hurt and miss her.

I feel like I owe any of my friends an explanation, because I posted about here all the time and then there must have been what felt like radio silence. I just couldn't talk about it guys. It was too powerful and deep of a hurt. And there is just this empty place in my heart. It is definitely cow shaped. A big black and white cow shape. I have done some healing since and I think this is part of it. Thank you for helping me heal everyone.

I also made the very hard decision to put down Brandon's horse Ginger this summer. She had gotten so skinny and it was so heartbreaking to see. I didn't want to wait until winter and she would have to fight even harder to stay warm. I tried a number of different things but in the end it was just time. And then the guilt I felt set in being the decision maker. Was it the right time? Did I try hard enough? It still gnaws at me. She was such a sweet steady old girl. And I hope I gave her a good last few years with us in what was pretty much retirement. We Loved her and we will always miss her.

God knows my heart. He knows that I will work and do all I can.  

But I loved. I loved so hard. It changed me and I feel so fortunate to have that ability. It is my superpower to be able to love so deeply, and love like that never ends. With that love lives this grief. Until we meet again.